Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
