The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
