if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize