I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
dude. I can hear the air.
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