Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize