I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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