You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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