I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize