Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
