Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
