Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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