it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
