the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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