Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
