i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my shit smells like andre
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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