I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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