do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
