It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
