There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
