My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
