I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
