every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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