i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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