I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
