you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
