I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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