Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
