Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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