It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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