Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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