The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
