Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
