I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
