Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
