its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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