You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
