i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
