I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
