I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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