wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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