she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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