I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
