i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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