sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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