I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
