Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Holy shit dude........stairs
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
