Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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