My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
