Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
