About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
