i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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