i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
