Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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