i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
