They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
