I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My balls are so social today.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
