Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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