my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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