our cab driver is having phone sex.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
