A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
