So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
