I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
