even my farts smell like vagina
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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