I accidentally had phone sex last night
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
