is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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