Moan for me like Helen Keller
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
