After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
