My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
