I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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