oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
