So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
