so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
