Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
