I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
