Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
